I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
