ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
thus making me awesome and them whores
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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