Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
