i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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