sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My vagina is officially offended.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
