I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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