I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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