oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
