U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Boobs are out for the taking
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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