This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
