Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
