we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
