i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
