i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
