Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
