My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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