I am spending my child support on dildos
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize