recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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