So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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