they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
