Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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