Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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