Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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