No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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