this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's official drugs can't kill me
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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