remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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