Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
