I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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