I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
