Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
