remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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