im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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