This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
