he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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