pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
