My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
