I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
