Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
