Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
