I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
