youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Life is so much better after having sex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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