its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
