The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
