phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
