I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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