Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
