omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
