As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
