There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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