Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
