My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
