He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
