whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
