Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
