Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
