You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
